How to Stop Outsourcing Your Self-Worth Through Sex
You may be like so many women I’ve worked with who are needing sex to feel secure, loved, and like you actually matter in your relationship. Inadvertently using your "sexy mode" to try and fix your "survival mode". You’re reaching and grabbing, trying to get your partner to give you that reassurance that, deep down, you’re craving. It's like you’re saying, "Prove I’m enough, validate me!" with your Sexual Self. But here’s the thing: your worth isn’t something you can get from someone else, especially not through sex.
Listen to this Well Fucked Wife™ podcast episode where we dive in deeper.
The Vicious Cycle of Seeking Validation Through Sex
We often turn to sex because we're trying to access a sense of security and safety that we haven't found within ourselves. Maybe we had some early experiences that left us with an anxious attachment style. Or the mix of anxious and avoidant attachment that’s a push-pull, "I need you, but get away from me," feeling, especially with our husbands. (This is common for many who have has past trauma). It's like we're giving our partner whiplash!. When we're reaching for sex to be our source of feeling okay, we're bypassing our own emotional needs and hopping right into the bedroom, hoping our partner will make us feel enough, valued, lovable, etc.
But here's what happens: the bedroom becomes a pressure cooker. If the sex isn’t happening or isn’t giving us that validation, we start the blame game. It's like, "He doesn't love me," or, "I'm not sexy enough," or even, "This relationship is doomed!" We're so busy pointing fingers, we miss the fact that we're trying to source our self-worth externally, when it needs to come from within. We're putting all this pressure on our partner to be our everything, and then even more pressure on the sex itself. It's no wonder things get messy!.
The Key: Diving Deep and Doing the Inner Work
So, what’s the answer? It’s time to do the inner work, sweet love. Instead of asking what sex can give you, ask yourself what you're trying to get from it. Are you looking for reassurance that you're lovable? That you matter? If you had your dream sexy relationship, what would you no longer feel? . If you’re looking for a sense of “enoughness,” that’s your sign you need to start looking within.
Here's the truth bomb: you are already enough, you're worthy, and you are loved. These things are inherent to who you are, not something you need to earn or get from anyone else. We get so caught up in the "yeah, but..." that we forget the core truth about ourselves. That’s where the inner work comes in. We have to clear out the shame and doubt that tells us we aren’t good enough. We have to get naked of all the old conditioning and experiences that we cling on to to give evidence to the “yeah but…” and access the naked truth of who we are. That is sourced from within, not from sex.
Vulnerability and Open Communication: Your Secret Weapon
Now, this doesn't mean you can't turn to your husband for reassurance. It just means you don't need to be all grabby-grabby about the sex. Instead, open your heart and get naked emotionally through vulnerable. Try something like, “Baby, can you tell me you love me? Can you give me a hug?”. Men actually crave this kind of directness. They want to love you how you need to be loved and in the moment you’re wanting it. You're not spoon-feeding him; you're helping him love you better!
This is also an important part: we need to avoid extremes. We don’t want to rely too heavily on our partners for reassurance, becoming codependent and losing our sense of self. But we also don't want to be so in the Miss Independent vibes that we don't allow any intimacy. There needs to be a balance.
Finding Your Way to Secure Attachment and Sex as a Celebration
Ultimately, the goal is to regulate our nervous system through emotional connection with ourselves and our partner. When we’re in that place of safety sourced in the parasympathetic nervous system state, we can actually be present. And, my love, pleasure live in the present moment. When we're all tangled up in anxiety, wondering "does he love me?" we get into survival mode… that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state. Sex shouldn't be your savior, it should be a celebration. It's a celebration of the love, safety, and security that already exists within you and between you and your partner.
So, let's stop outsourcing our worth and start owning our power. You are enough, you are worthy, and you are loved, and your Sexual Self should be an expression of that, not a quest for it. Now go out there and make it happen, gorgeous!
With Love & Pleasure,
Dr. Chelsea Page
Ready for More?
If you're ready to dive deeper, explore below for the delicious areas of support for you as you embody being a Well Loved & Well Fucked Wife!
Self-Led Support
❧ Online Courses
❧ Sexual Self Reflection Digital Journal
Group Support
❧The Well Fucked Wives Club
❧ NakedMind Group Retreat
Private Support
❧ Private Coaching
❧ Private Retreat for you, or for you & your hubby
Key Takeaways:
• Self-worth is internal: True self-worth originates from within, not from external encounters like sex for validation.
• Validation through sex is a cycle: Seeking internal security through external acts like sex can lead to pressure and blame if reassurance is not achieved.
• Inner work unlocks needs: Engaging in self-reflection is essential to understand the underlying needs and desires one is trying to fulfill through sex.
• Inherent worth exists: Every individual is inherently worthy, loved, and enough, independent of external validation.
• Communication is key: Open communication and vulnerability with partners, along with balanced intimacy and independence, provides reassurance beyond sex.
• Emotional connection regulates: Fostering emotional connection helps regulate the nervous system, transforming sex into a celebration of love and security, instead of a search for validation
