Desire and the differences in desire in a relationship is a topic that hundreds of women and their partners have come to me seeking help with. And I’m not surprised. Very rarely do those I talk to have upbringing where a good sex and relationship education was provided. Results of my Free Sexual Blocks Quiz have confirmed this even further with just over 74% of you not having had any form of sex education. Further, with the overwhelming amount of information out on the internet, it’s hard to know what is solid information and if you can trust who is giving it. I hope I have earned your trust but if you are new to Intentional Intimacy then I look forward to earning that from you!
So what happens when we have no basis of information growing up and a huge amount of random information swimming around on the internet? Confusion, overwhelm, feeling stuck and not knowing where on earth to start. The best place is to start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start (apparently I like my Sound of Music references since I mentioned that movie when telling you about the Hello/Goodbye Ritual). When you have a foundation of even knowing what desire is and get to know your inner Miss Desire, then you can springboard off into knowing better how to embrace and grow this wonderful side of you.
What Is Desire?
Desire is essentially the motivation and interest to be sexual and it is largely influenced by your brain. With this desire to be sexual; however, there’s often the expectation that the desire should be this overwhelming urge in the body with a thought like “holy cow I want this now!”. At least, this is what movies and magazines and the internet show. But as a woman, if you expect your sexual desire to jump from neutral all the way up to 5th gear with a step on the pedal like an automatic car, then the frustration will inevitably build.
You may not be a car enthusiast (and neither am I) but I’m going to roll with this car analogy for a minute. Your desire has several gears where your partner has more of an automatic car. For him, the gas tank is frequently replenished with Testosterone and so when he’s ready to go, it often is as simple as a tap of the gas pedal and then zoom! off he goes. This allows him to be more spontaneous with his desire.
For you, you have a 5-speed manual-type of desire, or perhaps a 6 speed, and your gas tank is not getting big doses of Testosterone. Also, there are gas robbers in life that show up and siphon out gas out of your desire tank, those little stinkers. Do you know what that means? You need to be intentional about your desire. You can’t just expect your Miss Desire to speed off in her car down Intimacy Road if you don’t fill the tank and prevent the gas robber from sneakily siphoning off your gas. Because your desire is a responsive desire, you gotta get Intentional, intentional. You gotta get intentionaaaaaaal” (yes, I am singing in the beat of Olivia Newton-John’s song “Physical” and it’s a good thing you can’t hear me because it’s my sister that’s the singer).
Now, If you have any type of disappointment on your face right now about not having an automatic “desire” car, keep in mind all the best cars are 5 or 6-speed manuals. Have you seen a Lamborghini or Ferrari?! Totally awesome cars. Yes, learning to drive a manual takes some time because there are a lot of variables and it can be frustrating at points, but once you learn it will become more natural and your inner Miss Desire will soon be zipping around all confident and having fun.
Who Is This Miss Desire?
I think I can safely assume you are not a robot. Instead you are a wonderfully dynamic woman with your own unique sexual self - your Miss Desire. This is your inner sexual self that all women have. Yes, even you. Even if she’s been hiding out and kinda quiet she is still there. And what’s wonderful is because your Miss Desire isn’t a robot, she’s not a replica of anyone else. She is her own unique sexy lady. And, she drives a manual car, a sexy manual carl. My Miss Desire? She drives a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California like the one in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s fun and zippy and has a feeling of class and old-school flair.
With your Miss Desire being unique and not like anyone else’s, especially not like that so-and-so actress in that one sexy movie scene, you need to help her become aware of what helps her want to get in her car and what helps her drive down Intimacy Road. You can’t just expect her to get in the car with no hesitation and have the car go on its own, especially if she doesn't know how to drive a manual. Her desire, her motivation, to be intimate starts with what has her want to get in the car. Once in the car, is there gas in the car or has there been several GPS signals sent to the gas robbers out there so they siphoned off her gas? If there is gas, what will help her get to first gear and then continue to help her keep on driving to second gear, and so forth?
What Influences your Miss Desire?
Knowing your Miss Desire and what impacts her (what impacts your brain) and her driving experience is the key to unlocking your sexual desire. So you need to be an active participant in helping your Miss Desire capitalize on the things that motivate her to get in the car, what gives her fuel, and what are the things that take it away or puts roadblocks on the Intimacy Road.
Your Miss Desire may get her motivation to get in the car by feeling the emotional love and connection with your partner because he sending over your love in your love language. She may be feeling all sexy in her body so she’s totally wanting to hop in the driver seat, something we will talk about next week. If helpful things come her way then your Miss Desire will be more open to getting in the car. If not-so-good comes her way, like a fight with your partner recently, then she will cross her arms and look at you like “are you kidding me?! I’m not getting in that car and driving down Intimacy Road!”
Once in the car, Miss Desire will need enough fuel to hit the gas and keep driving. Have there been gas robbers like your current work stress or a recent fight with your partner that has siphoned off Miss Desire’s gas? Have you had enough time for your body to become aroused so Miss Desire can drive along Intimacy Road and shift gears with more ease? And even if your Miss Desire is in the car and ready to go and starts driving along, a roadblock like past sexual trauma or pressure and expectations could be plopped down in the middle of the road so she comes to a screeching halt.
So you see, your Miss Desire isn’t just some flip-of-the-switch robot. No. She’s wonderfully sophisticated and is looking to you to empower her to be more aware of her desire. To help her know what impacts her motivation when she gets in the car and how. She wants you to teach her how to drive her car and avoid any roadblocks so she can zip along freely. But you don’t have to do it on your own. Instead, you have me as a pro driver and fellow gal to teach you how to drive so she can join my Miss Desire on the road with her 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California and have the wind in her hair.
Let me know in the comments below what your Miss Desire wants to drive, I would love to know!