The best things in life do not come free or easily. Instead what you need to do is intentional and manageable work to make sure you get the results that you want. When it comes to relationships, the results that many people want are to have happiness, connection, sexual intimacy and a relationship that is stress-free. You are totally able to have those results in your relationship and the best way is to make sure you take the right approach rather than getting stuck in the quick fix traps. The quick fix trap is when you are looking for an easy solution but this often leads to a temporary band aid fix that doesn’t last because the underlying problem isn’t actually being addressed. Let’s look at these traps and how to avoid them!
“What comes easy, won't last, what lasts, won't come easy.”
Quick Fix Trap #1 - Expecting Results, Like, Now
Change in your relationship is very similar to expecting change in your body when starting to work out and be healthy. Many of us want to hurry up and get to the end line but you have to make sure you have realistic expectations. You can’t expect that if you have 50 pounds to lose to go to the gym for two weeks and see massive amounts of changes. The same goes for your relationship, if you have a lot of changes to make you can’t expect to get your desired results super quickly. It took you awhile to get off course so it’ll take a while to get back on. Yes you can still get to where you want to go it’ll just take time. It’s consistent work rather than a one-time infusion that gets you the progress that you want.
Because of this, it is important to start the steps sooner rather than later so you aren’t too off course and the distance to where you want to go isn’t too far. Meaning, don’t wait for a crisis to start the work (i.e. affair, no sex, feeling only like friends, etc). And even if you feel you aren’t off course, you still want to focus on the relationship so that you can maintain where it’s at and so it doesn’t sneakily get off course. Because believe me, it happens. Life happens and if you don’t pay attention you might not do in the direction you want to.
Quick Fix Trap #2 - Biting Off More Than You Can Chew
When you get caught in the quick trip trap this often means you are doing WAY too much all at once to try to get those big results ASAP. Remember from above that you can’t expect results now. If you dive in and do too much it just isn’t sustainable. Let’s go back to the getting healthy analogy. Have you tried to get healthy and then started going to the gym every day, at 5 AM no less, and drastically changed your diet all at once? If you haven’t let me tell you it doesn’t work because you get burnt out and then momentum stops. Then the thoughts come in like “gah this is never going to change!”. That’s not what I want for your relationship. Change is always possible but you have to go about it in the right way.
Instead of doing leaps and bounds to redirect your relationship toward more connection and happiness I want you to take the tortoise rather than the hare approach: slow and steady. I know, quick changes can help with the motivation to keep going but when you know what steps to take to help get to intimacy and sustain it, you will know you are headed in the right direction. And heading in the right direction one step at a time is better than doing all the things, burning out and stopping the work. What you want is sustainable work and that takes consistent, small actions.
Quick Fix Trap #3 - Expecting the Magic Wand Fix
Another trap is the idea that there is a magic wand out there to get you what you want. Or some rainbow bridge that you can cross to get the perfect relationship. As awesome as that would be, you can’t have change without the work. You need to do the work and focus on one thing in different areas that you combine together to get you the results that you want. Just like getting healthy you can’t just focus on one thing only but rather one small bite-sized thing at a time like getting a good night sleep, and then add in one more thing like eating healthy, working out, or feeding your mind with positive thoughts etc. Your relationship is no different and so when you want change it takes focus from different angles to build a foundation and structure for sustainable intimacy and for a love that lasts.
To do this in your relationship, ditch the magic work-free fix and embrace the reality that results will take time and that small action steps are key. Focus on just one thing at a time, such as attending to each other‘s love languages, to build your momentum and to not overwhelm yourself. Then when that feels good add one more action step like setting aside intentional intimacy time or removing pressure from the bedroom.
Over all what I want for you is a relationship that has sustainable connection and intimacy. To get that you need to do the work consistently to get you to where you want to go, to not expect to do all of the things at once, or to effortlessly and magically get to where you want to go. Focus on putting the good in your relationship one small step at a time and you will get to where you want to go.
Things to Remember
A quick fix is only a band aid approach
Fast results are not realistic in relationships, especially when mega off course
Slow and steady gets you the results that are sustainable
Small, bite-sized changes create change
Without the magic wand, change takes work
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