Releasing Resentment for Next Level Sex
Even as a Sex and Relationship expert, I'm no stranger to relationship hiccups. Yup, it happens to me too. Recently my hubby Paul and I had a full-blown argument on date night, but guess what? It actually paved the way for some seriously amazing bedroom action. The key? It's all about letting go of the resentment, staying open, surrender, and pleasure!
Listen to this Well Fucked Wife™ podcast episode where we dive in deeper on Apple Podcasts | Youtube | Spotify or anywhere else you listen!
We All Argue, Even the Experts
Let's be honest, no relationship is perfect. Disagreements are a normal part of life. I know this intellectually and I still found myself in a tiff with my man recently over the dishes. I know, I know. So cliche. Now it makes me giggle. Resentment had built up, I wasn’t vulnerable and didn't communicate my needs early and directly, then from the built up resentment I projected my built up anger onto him… and boom, he shutdown. It can be so easy to fall into these patterns. But we get better and better. This is how we build out Intimacy Intelligence.
But even with the argument, we turned it around! And quickly. We reconnected and was able to have some seriously hot sex.
How? While he was in shutdown, I didn’t go into my classic anxious attachment worry. Which would have ME close off as well. Instead I stayed open. I quickly realized where I was in the wrong. Owned it and apologized. And then STAYED OPEN in my heart and body. Even when my husband needed some time to release his own emotional from the experience. I trusted he would dissipate the energy on his time, not mine. And that he would reengage when he was ready. And I remained open that whole time and not getting anxious in the disconnect. I accessed vulnerability here even though I missed it before, which caused the whole argument in the first place.
My openness created space to invite him back in. And quickly he was ready to come back to connection, like 30 minutes max. And we merged back onto the intimacy highway together. This allowed us to then have a delicious sexy time that evening. And it was DELICIOUS!
The Juicy Part: Surrender and the Subspace
So, what made this sexy time so epic? It was the surrender. I found myself in what I call the "subspace" again. This is where you just completely let go and allow your partner to take the lead. I was giving my husband a blowjob, focusing on his pleasure, and I wasn't even touching myself. This deep pocket of pleasure is like a zen state, very floaty, and so, so good. When he came, I had a full-body orgasm at the same time. Talk about mind-blowing! We were both like, "What just happened!?" And also yum, more please!
This kind of pleasure isn't something you can plan for. It just unfolds when you intentionally create the space for it. I like to call it a pocket of pleasure.
The Truth About Pleasure
I often see women focusing on pleasing their partners or trying to be perfect in bed. But the best sex happens when you focus on yourself and allow yourself to be led, surrendering to the experience. And here's the thing, receiving that level of pleasure requires work. It's about your emotional intelligence, capacity, and creating the space where you can truly receive. It's like receiving a ton of money – it takes some work to get to that point.
Ultimately, it’s about enjoying the journey and allowing yourself to access better experiences, one step at a time. So, don't be discouraged by the occasional disagreement. It's possible to have an amazing connection even when there is a disconnect.
Remember, disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. Yes we want to work on them and practice being more vulnerable to prevent arguments and to quickly diffuse them. But we don’t want to fear them happening. The focus should be on effectively managing these moments, rather than striving for an unrealistic ideal of conflict avoidance. When we avoid, that’s when resentment builds and makes it hard to receive. When we know how to repair, it can be easy to turn around an argument and come back together emotionally and… sexually.
Key Takeaways:
• Don't strive for perfection: Arguments happen. Focus on how you manage them, rather than avoiding them.
• Surrender is essential: The best sex happens when you let go of control and fully immerse yourself in the pleasure.
• Focus on the pleasure: The goal isn't simultaneous orgasms, or orgasms at all. it's about enjoying the experience.
• Embrace the unexpected: You can't always plan for pleasure, so be open to the surprise and new experiences.
• Get in your body: Receiving pleasure requires you to fully surrender to the moment and get out of your head.
• Make conscious choices: You always have the power to choose to step into who you want to be in the moment.
Ready for More?
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