Beyond the Bedroom: The Real Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

Let's be real – sometimes sex just isn't happening. Maybe it’s happening SOME time but it’s so infrequent that maybe you can count on both hands. And if it's not happening in your relationship, you may be asking what gives? As a licensed Sex and Relationship Therapist and international Intimacy Coach, I've seen it all, and let me tell you, it’s rarely as simple as a "magic fix." I also know from personal experience. Recently my Husband and I dove into a raw and real conversation on the Well Fucked Wife podcast about why our own sex life was suffering. I wanted more sex, he didn’t… and it was hella frustrating. Especially since this is my JOB. (hello imposter syndrome).

We dive deep into the messy, multi-dimensional world of low libido and what can really be going on behind the scenes. This blog includes some of the juicy highlights. (Listen to this episode on the Well Fucked Wife™ podcast here!)

It's Not Just About the Hormones

Okay, yes low testosterone can definitely play a role. It can affect desire, energy levels, and even cause brain fog. For some men, testosterone injections can help boost that. But here's the kicker: it's not a cure-all. There's a lot more to it than just getting a shot in the butt. For my husband it helped with energy but I was frustrated that it wasn’t the magic fix. We had to go even deeper. My own hormones did play a part given I have PMDD, but that too wasn’t the cure all. Addressing the biological impacts is important of course, but that doesn’t override the emotional sides of the relationship.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

What I've found is that the emotional side of things often has the biggest impact on your sex life. This is often a bigger hurdle to overcome than physical performance issues. Think about it. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, your job, or just generally with life, it's going to be tough to feel like having sex. For example, my Husband and I went through a tough time where he was miserable at his job, which had a huge toll on his overall energy and desire for intimacy.

That emotional layer is HUGE for all of us! If you're harboring resentment, disrespecting your partner, or just not feeling safe and secure in your relationship, it's going to be a struggle. My partner shared that he didn't want to bring the negative feelings into the bedroom. It brought up some fears and concerns, and we had to move through the emotional layer through to move forward. This is especially important if you or your partner have more of a Responsive Desire type, rather than Spontaneous Desire. Responsive desire is common in women, but also present in men too!

The Intimacy Pyramid: It's a journey

To get to the juicy sex you crave, you need to build the foundation first:

Self Intimacy: Being in tune with yourself and your own needs.

Emotional Intimacy: Sharing your feelings and vulnerabilities with your partner.

Physical Intimacy: Connecting through touch and affection without expectation for more.

Sexual Intimacy: The fun part! But it can't thrive without the others.

Learn more in the Intentional Intimacy® Workshop!

The Madonna/Whore Complex and other Sexual Blocks

Sometimes, cultural conditioning can mess with our heads. The idea that guys should want sex all the time puts a lot of pressure on everyone. Plus, there can be internal conflicts, like the Madonna/Whore complex, where one partner feels like they're being seen as either the pure, untouchable "Madonna" or just a sexual object. This was a big issue for us. The conflict of loving me as his wife and yet also seeing me as a sexual woman as well. Once we uncovered this we were able to allow both love AND sex to be dull present. These conversations weren’t perfect. They were messy but important. The vulnerability of sex requires that each person in the relationship feel safe enough to share their true needs and desires.


Life Happens

Big life events can also have a huge impact on your sex life. We experienced several huge life changes that definitely impacted us, like job loss, financial stress, and the emotional rollercoaster of multiple pregnancy losses. Even the fear surrounding getting pregnant again can create blocks to intimacy. My own fears around my body led me to avoid pleasure, which meant avoiding orgasm. Once I worked through that, it opened doors for more intimacy with my partner.

The Shame Spiral

And here's something else that can happen - a shame spiral. I personally experienced feeling like a failure for not being able to produce a child and also for not being able to spark my partner’s sexual interest. Aren’t all men supposed to want to have sex?! And shit, if my husband doesn’t is there something wrong with me? Am I not enough? Does he not love me? This shame then fueled a destructive cycle of overworking and self-abandonment. Which pulled me further away from myself and my husband. Totally not conducive to more sex!

Progress, Not Perfection

It's not about a "magic wand fix". It's about recognizing the multi-dimensional nature of desire and working on different layers – self, emotional, physical. Like weight loss, progress isn’t linear. You’ve got to look at different metrics. If you are just focusing on one aspect like the number of times you have sex, it’s easy to get discouraged. Instead, look at how you’re progressing on the self, emotional and physical intimacy aspects of the relationship. The key is to zoom out and look at all the factors involved.


So, Where Do We Go From Here?

If you or your partner are struggling with a low libido and your sex life isn’t as delicious as you desire, know that you’re not alone. It's not just about the hormones or a quick fix. It’s about understanding the emotional, physical, and life circumstances that are contributing to the issue. I think it's also important to recognize the unique nature of everyone's situation. Intimacy is NOT a one size fits all. As I like to say: Your Pleasure, Your Way!

It takes time and exploration to get to know your sexual self and to be a woman that is intentional with intimacy. Creating a safe space in your relationship to share your vulnerabilities is essential. Remember to celebrate where you are and keep working on those next levels of phenomenal.

If you're ready to dive deeper, join me in the Well Fucked Wives Club for delicious support as you embody being the Well Loved & Well Fucked Wife you’ve always craves to be!

Contact Dr. Chelsea Page to inquire about 1:1 support


Key takeaways:

● Low libido is a multi-faceted issue.
● Emotional intimacy is crucial for a healthy sex life.
●Hormones are only one piece of the puzzle.
● Life events can significantly impact desire.
● Shame and negative self-perception can create barriers to sexual intimacy.
● It’s important to have open communication with your partner.
● Progress is not always linear.


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How to Have a Life Full of Pleasure