How Much Sex You Should Be Having

The question of “How much sex should we be having” is one that I often get. If you are asking this question you are likely wondering if you and your relationship are at a normal frequency compared to others and thinking “Are we normal” and further “Am I normal?”. I totally get it, we all want to “fit in” and not be an outlier when it comes to anything that we do. We are social creatures and want to fit in and that means feeling normal.

A quick google search can give you several handfull of statistics of how much sex couples are having per week based on their age, if they are newlyweds or long-in-the-game-weds, etc. You’ll likely get varied statistics and still be left wondering if your frequency is normal. Regardless of how long you have been in a committed relationship or your age, I want to give the true answer to how much sex should you should be having.

Stop Comparing Yourself to the Joneses

First, let’s shake off the word “should” in how much sex you “should” be having. I feel like I’m now allergic to that word “should” and I want you to be as well. Because “should” means that you are basing your needs and wants and happiness on some external qualifier. On some random statistics online. Are we really validating the happiness of the sexual relationship with our partner on some statistics online? External validation for the happiness of your sex life isn’t the measure of happiness. What is then?

You’re probably thinking right now, “Ok ok, Chelsea, I get it but really, just tell me the number so I can know that our sex life is normal!”. You see, this is where you’re going to get frustrated with me. I strongly believe that there is no “normal” frequency when comparing to others. There is no magical number that we are all supposed to meet that gives the sexual side of the relationship a stamp of approval. Because you are a unique individual. Your partner is a unique individual. And therefore your relationship is a unique unit. If you both are happy with the frequency then it’s normal. The frequency might be twice a day, twice a week, twice a month... It doesn’t matter. What is a good frequency for you two won’t be a good frequency for another couple. Stop focusing on frequency. it’s not the frequency that truly measures a good, happy sex life.

Focus on Quality not Quantity 

If we focus on the quantity it can quickly become this get in/get out of the bedroom focus to meet some sort of random quota that you may have read on the internet. Or because you’re hearing your partner want more sex. But what he is really wanting more of is more of you and that doesn’t mean frequency. And it doesn't mean he just wants sex. If that was the case he has two hands. It's the connection and the quality of the connection. It means more of you being fully engaged and present and feeling pleasure in the process. 

So as you release yourself from comparing yourself to the Joneses, I want you to instead focus on the quality of the sexual experience you and your partner have together. It’s the importance of focusing on quality over quantity. As Emily Nagoski says in her book Come as You Are “Pleasure is the measure”. So don’t measure your relationship against what others are doing. Instead, focus on if you are both feeling good and satisfied with the experience in the bedroom. And that doesn’t mean measuring the success of sex on if orgasm happens or not because that’s focusing on the wrong thing. That creates pressure rather than focusing on pleasure. 

Feed your Sexual Relationship

What does quality mean? Let’s look at it this way, if you are feeding the sexual side of your relationship with scraps of your sexual self meaning you are distracted, not fully engaged or present because your mind is on your to-do list, and you aren’t even really fully focusing on pleasure but rather satisfying the frequency quota, then the sexual side of your relationship and your partner is going to be starving. And when he is starving he’ll want more, and more, and more. Which then has you likely think that more means more in frequency. When what more means is more of you and to have a fully satisfying sexual “meal”.

When you are not fully present it’s like the sexual side of the relationship is getting a couple of french fries when it’s STARVING. Sure the fries taste yummy but it doesn’t fully satisfy or fill up the hunger because the relationship needs a full, satisfying meal. Give the relationship a french fry, it’ll be starving very soon. Feed it with a good, quality sexual meal by practicing things like your transitional routine and consistent physical intimacy so as not to leave the relationship in Intimacy Limbo Land then the sexual side of the relationship will be full and satisfied. When you are focusing on quality over quantity then you get to actually focus on the real meat and potatoes, leaving the sexual side of the relationship, and both you and your partner, full and satisfied.