A Powerful Secret to Positive Change in Your Relationship

Relationships, thank goodness, are flexible. They are adaptable and able to change. I know, I know, you may feel differently at the moment but bare with me. I want to share with you a powerful secret to creating change in your relationship if things aren’t going how you want them to. And it’s pretty simple when you think about it. Simple, but not always easy. That’s were the intentional work and focus come in. I know from first-hand experience, which I’ll get into below with a story about my dog Sherlock and my Husband.

But First, Lets Talk Mindset

Before we dive into the secret (and you can totally scroll down if you just can’t wait but come back up here to read this), I want you to know that mindset is everything. Often when couples are in a frustrating negative feedback loop where it feels like things aren’t changing the finger of blame gets pointed at your partner, at the relationship, or yourself as the culprit for why things feel like they are stuck the way they are. This Triangle of Blame doesn’t get anyone anywhere because hand-in-hand with it is the mindset of “Things can’t/won’t change”. You’re right, they won’t change with that mindset. If you say it’s true in your mind then that’s the reality that will be created. What you choose to believe is what’s true for you. But I bet it doesn't feel good to think that. It’s sucky. It’s hopeless. It doesn’t fuel action. Which means positive change doesn’t happen. 

I want you to let go of the mindset that this or that in your relationship can’t or won’t change. Because most of the time it can. Remember I said above that relationships are flexible. And if relationships are flexible that means the two people that form that bond are also flexible. The trick is first you need to hold the mindset that this is true - that the relationship can change in a direction that has you feeling good, happy and connected. So try this thought on for size: “My relationship is flexible and can change positively.” Did you feel any resistance to accepting this as true? This might be because you are looking at the wrong place for where that change originates. If we look at the wrong place then yes, change won’t happen. But change can happen to bring relationship happiness when you look at the right place, which brings us to the secret.

The Secret: Focus on Yourself 

Many women when they want their relationship to change in a certain way they look right to their partner to do the heavy lifting of making the first move. You might, like myself and others, have turned to your partner over and over and demand they do X and Y. Even if you say it nicely and vulnerably, the expectation for being the change agent is on THEM. Then you might get frustrated when your partner doesn’t do X or Y at all, or the “right” way, or in a timely manner based on your own concept of how things are done. It’s easier to focus on your partner to change because then we don’t have to do the tough change on our end.

And when things don’t change after you’ve asked your partner to change? You might do an internal or totally visible eye roll and then you get frustrated. And then I want you to pay attention to what do you do when you get frustrated. THIS is where you have to make the change. You can ask up the wazoo for your partner to do things differently but until you do things differently, many things aren’t going to change. 

Instead, if you make the change it invites your partner to make a change in response. You might have resistance to this too and think “why do I have to change? Doesn't that mean I’m doing all the work again?” No, it doesn’t. You are taking ownership and responsibility for your part of the stuck pattern and being the change agent for what is frustrating you. How? Identify what you do in the moment of frustration that contributes to the stuck, and then do something different.  That creates change, which creates happiness.

Examples of Seemingly Unchangeable Patterns

The thing I do when I get frustrated and when things don’t change? I get frustrated and step in and do the work that continues the feeling of frustration and the thought of “I have to do everything". Let me make my point with two examples. One is about my dog Sherlock and one is about my Husband. Now I’m not comparing my Husband to a dog, promise. Instead, I’m emphasizing the action that I need to take ownership of and responsibility for if I want things to change regarding whatever is frustrating me. I encourage you to see if you see yourself in my examples or perhaps you do a different action. Regardless, I want you to start taking ownership of what is contributing to things not changing because THAT is where you can make changes. 

So with Sherlock my dog, he “forgot” how to come in through the dog door. Or that’s how I joke about it with my friends and family. They all know about how Sherlock still doesn’t come through the dog door anymore and we joke, but I’m still frustrated. This has been going on for months. I mean, look at this picture of the dog door taped wide open. Total eye roll.

I’ve thought many times about HIM and his doggie behavior like “if only he would just stop being so silly” or “UGH the door is RIGHT THERE! Why don’t you just come through it?!”. He stands outside and barks at me like he’s asking “Ma! Can you let me in please?”. I get frustrated and guess what happens? I roll my eyes, I walk over to the door, and I let him in. Even though I know he knows how to come in. The other day it was freezing out and he didn’t want to wait for my apparently too-slow door services so he busted right through that door no problem all day. But when he stands out there and barks I just can’t deal with the frustration so I let him in. And then it happens again, and again, and again and it feels like it’s never going to change.

Now Let’s consider another scenario with my Husband. I get frustrated that my he won’t take out the trash (of course he totally does but my black and white mind is in frustrated mode only sees that he never does. I’m sure some of you can relate). I’ve asked him to be in charge of the trash. I’ve asked nicely. I’ve demanded. And then I looked at his behavior of not taking out the trash and guess what? I get frustrated. Then what happens? I roll my eyes, step in and take out the trash. And just like Sherlock and the dog door, I know my Husband is perfectly capable of taking out the trash. 

What’s the Common Denominator? 

We could totally eye-roll together and blame them and play into the “Gah, why are guys so lazy?!” bit. But instead let’s look at my behavior, just as I want you to look at your behavior. What has happened in both of the scenarios with my dog and my Husband? Sherlock has learned that I will step in and be his doorman. My husband has learned that I will step in and be the trashman. What fuels the whole frustrating, seemingly unchangeable cycles? I step in. Is this their fault? No. I could continue to ask my husband to change. Blame him for me stepping in. Or I could ask my dog to just puh-lease push that dog door open on his own. But that’s not going to work, as I’m sure you might be catching on to. 

Because why would my dog Sherlock do the work to come in through the dog door on his own? What would be the incentive to him to change? He has his own personal doorman. I totally fuel this frustrating cycle because I couldn’t handle my own frustration and my thoughts of “if only he would change and just come in through that dang dog door then I wouldn’t have to be so frustrated.” If only he would change! I thought the same when it came to my Husband and the trash. I would think “if only he would just take out the trash I wouldn’t be so frustrated.” But why would he take out the trash when I step in and do it for him? There’s no incentive for him to change. The theme: my focus is on THEM to change to help ME manage my own frustrations. Instead, I should be looking at me and what I am doing to contribute to this cycle so that change can actually happen. Because when we change, our partner changes. 

The change on the surface is simple: I just have to not step in in response to my frustration. I have to ignore my dog when he’s barking at me to come in. He’s doing it right now actually as I write this. It’s like he knows I’m talking about him (breathe, Chelsea, breathe). And I have to let that trash pile up and not step in and do it for my husband. Sounds simple, but totally not easy. 

Positive Change Will Happen

I’m happy to say that the trash is now being taken out. Sure it doesn’t happen all the time but remember, you or your partner don’t have to be perfect. Instead, we are going for 80/20 here. How did this change happen? I let my Husband know that I am no longer being in charge of the trash and that I won’t be stepping in, and he agreed. I’ve done this before but never with the crucial next step by supporting my statement with action: by not doing anything. I’m not going to lie, the month that it took for the switch to happen was tough. The trash? Yup, it piled high along with my frustration. As with most changes like this, things often get a bit worse before they get better. But that was my responsibility to manage. And I did. And now? Now that my Husband knows and trusts that I’m not going to step in, he knows he needs to step in. The change in his behavior happened not when I looked to him to make the first move, but when I looked at myself to. Which wasn’t easy. It’s easier to look to your partner to change but that’s not what creates change.  

What about Sherlock the pup? I just started this change, literally yesterday. Doing just one thing at a time is important so as not to overwhelm my frustration meter. So first it was the trash, now it’s the dog door. I knew that the change in his behavior wasn’t going to happen until I was ready to truly go full-on retired from opening that door for him. Which meant I had to be ready to handle my frustration when those barks happen rather than expecting him to make the change. I’ve also had this conversation with my dog before, like the conversation with my husband. But I never fully committed to my own change. So on October 20th, 2019 I sat Sherlock down and sweetly said I am no longer his doorman. Retired. Done. This time I’m all in. Now I need to follow it up with inaction. Let the frustration management begin. (He’s still barking outside and scratching at the door...breathe Chelsea…). I might need to get some ear plugs. I’ll keep you posted.