In the honeymoon phase of your relationship when things are new and exciting you don’t have to think about intimacy because everything just flows so easily. You don’t need to focus on doing things differently or with intention because you are in the flow. When you move more into the committed love space and keep approaching your relationship with the going-with-the-flow mentality rather than taking action, things are going to start flowing in the wrong direction unintentionally.
How You Get Stuck
What happens as you enter into committed love with this go with the flow “wing it” mentality is a negative cycle can be created and the result is you and your partner get pushed further and further apart. A negative cycle often happens around sex with one partner asking for sex and the other is not wanting sex as frequently. If you are this partner where you feel like a deer in the headlights when your partner wants to be intimate then you are likely left in a place of feeling bad because sex is the last thing on your mind. It doesn’t just pop up when you’re at work in a meeting or passing through the veggie aisle at the grocery store, or even when you both are sitting on the couch watching your favorite new show.
The negative cycle is created and grown in this chicken/egg dilemma. The more he asks for sex, the more you feel pressured and feel the expectation that you should want sex. And the more you feel pressured and feel like something is wrong with you that you don’t even think about sex, then the more you avoid sexual intimacy. And then guess what? The more you avoid the more he asks and around and around we go.
Sometimes this cycle can be sneaky because it happens slowly. Meaning the struggle and stress in the intimate side of your relationship isn’t something that is causing this huge block between you - yet. You are still loving toward each other but occasionally the topic of sex comes up and there’s frustration and a sense of guilt about you still not wanting sex. You might begin to think “is there something wrong with me?” or “Shouldn’t I want to have sex with my partner and have that desire if I really loved him?”. Perhaps anything you may have tried seems to get you nowhere or make it worse. Without the understanding about what to do differently about the negative feedback loop, you and your partner feel stuck.
Do Something Different
Who is that brilliant man that said that “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”? Ah yes, good ol’ Einstein. As crazy as his hair is, this statement of his is important to remember when it comes to your relationship. If you keep doing what you are doing and things aren’t getting better than a negative cycle between you and your partner is going to continue to get worse.
No, I’m not going to call you insane but I will say that I totally don’t want things to be stressful for you. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve for the connection in your relationship to move further and further apart simply because you weren’t given a roadmap about how to do it differently - how to approach your relationship in a way that builds connection and ease in intimacy rather than stress and disconnection. No one gives out that roadmap growing up and so we are all mostly left to just wing it and figure it out on our own, which is how we end up confused and stuck wandering around in the "negative cycle" field not knowing what to do or where to go to get back to connection.
That’s where I was in my first marriage - stuck. I had no idea what I was doing. Yes I loved him and it all was good in the beginning but after that honeymoon phase, we didn’t know how to keep that connection going. We were wondering the “negative cycle field” but didn’t have a clear path on how to get to “intimacy land” and how to stay there. We didn’t know what systems we needed to have in place or actions to take to build our committed love and sustain it. Instead, unintentional actions kept having us step on each other's toes and created our negative feedback cycle. The ouches got bigger and the connection along with it. We kept trying to figure it out but everything we did kept making it worse. And with no roadmap showed to us growing up and no map helpful while we were stuck, that frustration and disconnect grew so big that it pushed us apart.
Is it Really So Hard?
So I know what that stuck place feels like. I totally get it. In my first marriage, I tried desperately to make sure my relationship felt good, relaxed and to have intimacy that felt fun and easy but we were lost and stuck because we were trying to figure it out on our own. After our divorce, I just kept thinking “there has to be a better way! It shouldn’t be this hard!!”.
I was determined to do the work to take the mystery out of relationships, both inside the bedroom and out. After working through my Masters in Mental Health Counseling, my Doctorate in Human Sexuality, being a Licensed Professional Counselor and helping hundreds of women and couples I have removed the mystery. I’ve been through the mess and disconnect, and years of schooling and as a result, I have put together the puzzle pieces for having more calm and confidence around intimacy.
Knowing the clear path that brings closeness rather than disconnection is so empowering for your relationship. It has helped hundreds of other women and couples and has helped me to also feel close to my current husband, so I practice what I preach. And I would totally love for you to have that roadmap too! if I can help even one more woman not have to experience a minute more of confusion and stress around intimacy then I’ve accomplished my mission. Whether you want to continue to feel good and make sure your relationship doesn’t go down disconnection road or, if you have already been wandering around that “disconnection field” and you want the clear roadmap to get back to ease and connection, I’ve got you covered.
Where Do I Start?
You’ve already made the first step by finding me so boom, hardest part done. You can think of me as your personal Yoda to support you on your mission for creating a love that lasts through the Women’s Roadmap to Desire. And as your guide, I’ve made a clear path for you to understand the systems you need in place in your relationship and the intentional actions to take that will give you the peace and calm knowing that you know how to avoid that disconnection trap.
You get the simple and clear roadmap for how to approach your relationship in a way that honors your desire as you as a woman experiences it, and how to approach intimacy in your relationship that feels like a big breath of relief. You’ll go from feeling stuck, frustrated and worried to feeling sexually confident and carefree around intimacy in your relationship.
Now that you’ve found me I would love to offer you that roadmap. I’ve taken all the puzzle pieces and put them together for you so you have a clear picture and understanding of what you need to do to have a love that lasts. All you need to do is to take action to put the systems in place so you can begin to confidently show up in your relationship and to know that you have the tools to sustain connection without the stress and overwhelm.