February 14, 2020

Self Intimacy: The Foundation of Your Relationship

February 14, 2020/ Dr. Chelsea Page

Until this year it had been 7 years since I took a bath (don’t worry I showered!). What I mean is a nice, luxurious bubble bath. How do I know? Well, Facebook has their memory posts and a picture of a lovely bath set-up of mine popped up with the caption “7 years ago today…”. What was crazy was not only seeing that it had been 7 years since a clear representation of self-care but also that when I held my phone showing me this notification, my current bath was in the process of filling up with my new bath bomb and my uber chick-flick movie ready on my computer propped precariously on my toilet. It was my 5th bath in the last couple of weeks.

Seven years ago I was in a place in my life where focusing on ME was way outside of my focus that it happened so rarely. I’m surprised such a moment was even captured on social media. I probably posted it because I was so shocked by this moment of ME-time that I had to share. Having a rare, shock-worthy moment of self-focus was why my life was in turmoil. Because how can you live a happy life when everything is all externally focused and not internally focused. That’s like expecting a bath to fill up when you don’t put a water stopper in, it just doesn’t happen and it's a whole big waste of energy. Which is why I started the journey of living life more heart-centered and from the inside out rather than the outside in. How?

Embrace the value of ME in a relationship

One of the biggest things that happened in my past as a mega people-pleaser, and as a result mega perfectionist and over-doer, is that the ME in the WE of a relationship was totally disregarded. I abandoned myself (ironic that the thing I most feared I was doing to myself every day). Heck, I didn’t even know myself. But my professional and personal journey led me to understand the importance of the very base of relationships: The SELF, which makes up the base layer of The Intentional Intimacy Pyramid. What does this entail? Taking intentional action on the fact that your wants and needs, self-care, self-love, self-understanding, and self-advocacy not only matter but are crucial to a healthy relationship. Which means that YOU are crucial to your relationship. Because without you there is no relationship.

Join the Private Women’s Facebook Group to catch the Free Intentional Intimacy Mini-Series every Tuesday this March!

A relationship that is long-lasting and sustainable is on that is a balanced and secure relationship. When we don’t focus on ourselves then there is instead an imbalance that happens in your relationship, and this is not sustainable. If you focus everything outwardly on your partner, the YOU, then the relationship equation will look like YOU + YOU = WE. Which actually is really YOU + YOU = YOU in disguise. Do you see where the ME gets lost? And if there is no ME then really there is no WE? A strong and happy relationship instead is one where there is connected safety along with freedom for each of you to be you. This looks instead like ME + YOU = WE.

A Strong Foundation in ME Increases Intimacy

When focusing on others all the time and your partner, you inherently can’t truly feel good within yourself. All that outward focusing energy means there is nothing left for you. Also, it means you are putting your overall “feel good” in the hands of others. This is not only detrimental to the relationship as a whole but also mega impacts your sexual self: your Inner Miss Desire. When you are feeling strong, confident, not pressured and free then your sexual self is more likely to come out and play. This is especially the case if your dominant type of sexual desire is responsive desire And if the reverse happens? If you are stressed, eating crappy and feeling blah about yourself then any feel-good energy is going to have a slim chance of emerging and you can say buh bye to your sexual energy.

How to Start focusing on the ME in Intentional Intimacy

If you want to be an Intentional Woman that is happy, connected and confident in her relationship then you need to first claim the destination. Claim within yourself that you want amazing intimacy in your relationship. Don’t get caught up on the HOW but rather that you want this change to happen. When you claim that you will be an Intentional Woman and will do the steps necessary then this will give you more support, motivation and even permission to focus on YOU. When you do this your energy will shift and you will understand that YOU are an important part of the equation.

Once you claim that you are an Intentional Woman who wants a happy love that lasts then you start taking intentional action. For me seven years ago that meant starting to understand what my wants and needs even were, then how to advocate for them in my relationship and in all aspects of my life, and how to set boundaries. Now it means deepening my understanding of me and focusing on an area of my life that needs some extra lovin', that being right now my overall health and weight (which I will talk more about in the Free Intentional Intimacy Mini-Series every Tuesday in March exclusively in the Private Women’s Facebook Group).

And with all things, it’s important to remember to focus on just one thing and to not expect a quick fix. As an Intentional Woman you know that regardless of the time it takes, you are on this journey and are committed. So pick one thing. And because it’s at the base of your relationship, I suggest starting with the ME focus. Maybe it's filling up that tub for a nice bath once a week. Maybe it’s focusing on expressing your emotions to your partner in a calm and connecting way. Maybe it’s practicing better boundaries. Maybe it’s making sure you get your nails done once a month.. Find what your heart, mind, body, and soul are craving and step in that direction of treating yourself to some love.

Want to learn more?

Join the Private Women’s Facebook Group to catch the Free Intentional Intimacy Mini-Series every Tuesday this March!

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